Low, Low, Low

I'm not here to whine and cry; I'm not here to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to figure out why my life seems to just suck and suck and suck.

In April, I was abruptly fired from my job of two years. It was a blow I don't know if I'll recover from, as there was no reason given after I asked WHY. It was supposed to be a professional atmosphere, but I've never seen such two-facing and backstabbing in my life. I met all my deadlines, I asked for help when needed. It apparently was a sucking place to work. I didn't know.

I have always been ok with myself, but when it comes to other people, I have no self-confidence whatsoever. When I was growing up, we really didn't socialize as a family; very seldom did we have any company over, sometimes relatives. But I don't ever want to hurt anyone.

When it comes to work, or relationships, I can't seem to get it right. I don't know what's wrong, or if EVERYBODY has these problems. Every man I've ever been with loves the hell out of me in the beginning, but when he wants to establish control later on, he doesn't quite like my independence.

I'd love to just live by myself, quietly. No men. Just me, and some cats. Alone. ALONE.

Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.---Wm Shakespeare, Macbeth, 1606

There's no freaking title to this post because there's no sense of my life.

My Jim says he's going to be leaving this weekend. No reason other than I brought up that he cut me off again.


We were supposed to be married. We were planning to move to Pa. I know he said that when things are coming to a close, he falls apart. I don't know what to do. I do all I can, but I can't deal with another relationship falling apart! I'm 48 years old, have been busting my ass all my life, have tried to make a life for myself. I just want someone to share my life with. I'm not perfect, who is? Jim is pissed because I stopped taking my Zoloft; how was I supposed to keep taking it when I was let go from my job? I don't want him paying for all that shit.


I wish I had the courage to commit suicide. I've been looking for ways...Why live? What is the reward? I've kept myself going for years; all I get is some fucked up man telling me what my faults are...all while not admitting that he is a supreme pain in the ass...


Can't take it anymore; 48 years old, worked my ass off to make a life, it all comes apart anyway. Waste of time.