I haven't written in this blog for a few years (!!). To the person who left the message in 2006 (!! again), thank you. This was meant to be a blog, a sort of emotional release for me, but haven't kept up with it, as my life was a continuing disaster. 

Forward to 2014, October. My life is still a disaster, but I've gotten old enough now that I think it's time to really peruse it, from beginning to now, and do what I can do to change it and make it better. 

I am once again suffering from a bout of severe depression/anxiety, and am doing what I need to to pull myself out of it. Once again, I am feeling the effects of an ill-chosen relationship with another. 

From what I can figure, my parents loved me very much, and wanted to give my brother and I a good life (they did, and for that I am grateful), but it was dysfunctional in other ways. My dad worked second shift most of his working years, so I didn't see him much except for weekends, and I believe that was part of my problem of choosing the wrong people to care for. 

My dad died in 2005, and my mother is 77 now.

My ex-husband and I have remained friends, and he has his own family and problems.

I feel very, very alone. It's tough to be this anxious and depressed and still manage to care for myself properly. 

I've had to take a leave from work.

My mother loves me, but we've never been able to talk intimately. I've never really had anyone who cares to listen, just listen, and offer a caring shoulder. 

Through the years, I guess I've just silenced myself, and held it all in, no matter how tough things got or how bad I felt. No one really seemed to understand, or any conversation ended up being all about them. 

I gave up.  

At 54, I'm stuck in a drug infested, dead-end small city, in another dead-end job. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life here.