New Year, Same Old Sh*t

I'm sitting here typing on New Years' Day 2009; my partner is in the other room, snoring away. Where do I go now. This year, I was let go from my job on a newspaper (Delaware State News) for bogus reasons. My "team leader" (I use that term very loosely), Donna Rice, screwed me just like she screwed Arnelle. She could have fired another woman, but that woman was smart enough to quit that job before it could happen. I was a good employee, and proud of my position there, which I held for two years.

Being let go from there gave me a shove toward getting out of Delaware. The move was horrendous, about the worst thing I've ever gone through, but I'm in a better place now. Closer to my mom, have privacy, can see mountains all around me. But I need to find a job. Being here in this house all the time with my partner is driving me bonkers. There is a great hospital nearby that offers nurses' training. I studied nursing years ago, but never completed my LPN. Now, I'm thinking I need something that can get me through life by myself if need be. Or if I choose it. I'm so dependent on my partner right now. That's not good for me. He's got a lot of problems, and sometimes I can't deal with them. It's starting to bring me down again. I need to fight against it. There is a zendo near here run by some really good people. Sitting zazen gives me peace and replenishes me.

When I left home in 1985, after marrying for the first time, I thought I'd build a family life of my own, with someone who was able to care for me also. Didn't happen that way. It happens. This person was hung up on pornography, and neglected me and our home life to take care of his parents' every want and need. I guess that made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy of such things. I'm not a bad person, I have my faults like everyone, but I deserved more than I got at that time. That first marriage set the stage for subsequent failed relationships. I made poor choices, thinking that something would finally work out, but they never did. I even thought I was gay for awhile; I lived with another woman for four years. That relationship crumbled also. After that, I went into a relationship with an abusive man and his son who, unbeknownst to me, wanted to take me for all that I had (which was actually very little). I have been abused and taken advantage of in so many ways by so many different people. I grew up in a good family. My brother grew up and has a good career for himself, and he married a woman with some money.

I've struggled every day, and I continue to struggle. I don't want much out of life. Maybe that's the problem. I need to stand up for the things I want, instead of always putting myself last. I do that thinking it will make things better, but it only puts me farther behind. I looked in the bathroom mirror a short time ago, saw the fatigue in my face, the lines, the double chin, and thought "what is this life of mine?". I'm so tired of it, really. I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. I'd like to have someone in my life that has it all together. Where are those people? Apparently, not near me.

God, I'm so tired of living. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the everyday misery of my life. Tired of the depression. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of looking around me and seeing crap. Just my cats; I love my cats. They are the best.