This most recent bout of depression/anxiety has really gotten me thinking. That may be good, or bad. 

When you are young, the whole world is open before you, and you collect things, people, ideas, beliefs as you experience it. 

You reach a certain age, and things aren't so shiny and new anymore. Things become mundane, boring, and it gets frustrating. Comes a time when you have to start paring down your life, getting rid of things and people who no longer are a positive in your life. 

I live in a dead-end town, the town I grew up in. Got out of it for thirteen years, but a crisis in my life brought me back here. It's not the same place that it was when I was younger; then, I hated it because it was boring. Now, I hate it because it's become a drug and crime infested place where good citizens are afraid to even leave their homes sometimes. 

I thought by now, I'd have found someone compatible to share my life with; that hasn't happened. I know we are not guaranteed this. 

As of now, I'm stuck. The priority is to recover from this new bout. Then to find the strength to move on, and not lose hope. To believe that life is still worth living. 

I am a good person. I am an honest person. I am a loving person. Why so much suffering?

I haven't written in this blog for a few years (!!). To the person who left the message in 2006 (!! again), thank you. This was meant to be a blog, a sort of emotional release for me, but haven't kept up with it, as my life was a continuing disaster. 

Forward to 2014, October. My life is still a disaster, but I've gotten old enough now that I think it's time to really peruse it, from beginning to now, and do what I can do to change it and make it better. 

I am once again suffering from a bout of severe depression/anxiety, and am doing what I need to to pull myself out of it. Once again, I am feeling the effects of an ill-chosen relationship with another. 

From what I can figure, my parents loved me very much, and wanted to give my brother and I a good life (they did, and for that I am grateful), but it was dysfunctional in other ways. My dad worked second shift most of his working years, so I didn't see him much except for weekends, and I believe that was part of my problem of choosing the wrong people to care for. 

My dad died in 2005, and my mother is 77 now.

My ex-husband and I have remained friends, and he has his own family and problems.

I feel very, very alone. It's tough to be this anxious and depressed and still manage to care for myself properly. 

I've had to take a leave from work.

My mother loves me, but we've never been able to talk intimately. I've never really had anyone who cares to listen, just listen, and offer a caring shoulder. 

Through the years, I guess I've just silenced myself, and held it all in, no matter how tough things got or how bad I felt. No one really seemed to understand, or any conversation ended up being all about them. 

I gave up.  

At 54, I'm stuck in a drug infested, dead-end small city, in another dead-end job. 

I don't want to spend the rest of my life here. 

Man, I just want to smack my mother right in the head. We went out to eat, and there were two boxes of leftovers, together, mine and hers. SHE PUT HERS IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND LEFT MINE OUT ON THE COUNTER! Bitch. But why should I be surprised.

New Year, Same Old Sh*t

I'm sitting here typing on New Years' Day 2009; my partner is in the other room, snoring away. Where do I go now. This year, I was let go from my job on a newspaper (Delaware State News) for bogus reasons. My "team leader" (I use that term very loosely), Donna Rice, screwed me just like she screwed Arnelle. She could have fired another woman, but that woman was smart enough to quit that job before it could happen. I was a good employee, and proud of my position there, which I held for two years.

Being let go from there gave me a shove toward getting out of Delaware. The move was horrendous, about the worst thing I've ever gone through, but I'm in a better place now. Closer to my mom, have privacy, can see mountains all around me. But I need to find a job. Being here in this house all the time with my partner is driving me bonkers. There is a great hospital nearby that offers nurses' training. I studied nursing years ago, but never completed my LPN. Now, I'm thinking I need something that can get me through life by myself if need be. Or if I choose it. I'm so dependent on my partner right now. That's not good for me. He's got a lot of problems, and sometimes I can't deal with them. It's starting to bring me down again. I need to fight against it. There is a zendo near here run by some really good people. Sitting zazen gives me peace and replenishes me.

When I left home in 1985, after marrying for the first time, I thought I'd build a family life of my own, with someone who was able to care for me also. Didn't happen that way. It happens. This person was hung up on pornography, and neglected me and our home life to take care of his parents' every want and need. I guess that made me feel unloved, unwanted, and unworthy of such things. I'm not a bad person, I have my faults like everyone, but I deserved more than I got at that time. That first marriage set the stage for subsequent failed relationships. I made poor choices, thinking that something would finally work out, but they never did. I even thought I was gay for awhile; I lived with another woman for four years. That relationship crumbled also. After that, I went into a relationship with an abusive man and his son who, unbeknownst to me, wanted to take me for all that I had (which was actually very little). I have been abused and taken advantage of in so many ways by so many different people. I grew up in a good family. My brother grew up and has a good career for himself, and he married a woman with some money.

I've struggled every day, and I continue to struggle. I don't want much out of life. Maybe that's the problem. I need to stand up for the things I want, instead of always putting myself last. I do that thinking it will make things better, but it only puts me farther behind. I looked in the bathroom mirror a short time ago, saw the fatigue in my face, the lines, the double chin, and thought "what is this life of mine?". I'm so tired of it, really. I'm tired of taking care of everyone else. I'd like to have someone in my life that has it all together. Where are those people? Apparently, not near me.

God, I'm so tired of living. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm tired of the everyday misery of my life. Tired of the depression. Tired of the anxiety. Tired of looking around me and seeing crap. Just my cats; I love my cats. They are the best.

Low, Low, Low

I'm not here to whine and cry; I'm not here to feel sorry for myself. I'm trying to figure out why my life seems to just suck and suck and suck.

In April, I was abruptly fired from my job of two years. It was a blow I don't know if I'll recover from, as there was no reason given after I asked WHY. It was supposed to be a professional atmosphere, but I've never seen such two-facing and backstabbing in my life. I met all my deadlines, I asked for help when needed. It apparently was a sucking place to work. I didn't know.

I have always been ok with myself, but when it comes to other people, I have no self-confidence whatsoever. When I was growing up, we really didn't socialize as a family; very seldom did we have any company over, sometimes relatives. But I don't ever want to hurt anyone.

When it comes to work, or relationships, I can't seem to get it right. I don't know what's wrong, or if EVERYBODY has these problems. Every man I've ever been with loves the hell out of me in the beginning, but when he wants to establish control later on, he doesn't quite like my independence.

I'd love to just live by myself, quietly. No men. Just me, and some cats. Alone. ALONE.

Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, A poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, Full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.---Wm Shakespeare, Macbeth, 1606

There's no freaking title to this post because there's no sense of my life.

My Jim says he's going to be leaving this weekend. No reason other than I brought up that he cut me off again.


We were supposed to be married. We were planning to move to Pa. I know he said that when things are coming to a close, he falls apart. I don't know what to do. I do all I can, but I can't deal with another relationship falling apart! I'm 48 years old, have been busting my ass all my life, have tried to make a life for myself. I just want someone to share my life with. I'm not perfect, who is? Jim is pissed because I stopped taking my Zoloft; how was I supposed to keep taking it when I was let go from my job? I don't want him paying for all that shit.


I wish I had the courage to commit suicide. I've been looking for ways...Why live? What is the reward? I've kept myself going for years; all I get is some fucked up man telling me what my faults are...all while not admitting that he is a supreme pain in the ass...


Can't take it anymore; 48 years old, worked my ass off to make a life, it all comes apart anyway. Waste of time.